i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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