It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
