even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
