oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
