I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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