proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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