it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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