u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
