My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
