the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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