He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
