The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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