If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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