I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
