If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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