I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
