Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Vodka?
Forever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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