It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
