And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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