Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
