Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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