Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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