I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
