I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
