My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
