I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
