I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she looked like the before picture.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
