dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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