The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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