A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm at about main and main street
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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