Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
