Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
