Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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