drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
