I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
