i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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