I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
