Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
