I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
