so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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