Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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