so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
