Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
