she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
