Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
