paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Are we still banned from the library?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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