upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
