I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
