how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize