well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
is that a dick in a sweater?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
