i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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