just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
