weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
