omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
