i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
