i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize