she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
