I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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