News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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